In the midst of transitioning from the moment I wake up to becoming more fully awake, there's someone waiting for me who I do not wish to see. It's my sin and it's been waiting for me in this weak moment where the mind is passing from dream land to the real world. Some days my sin is quiet during this time, but not today, and it had a hold of me before I left the house this morning.
While getting ready this morning my sinful pride planted the thought "Today you will not be successful - you will never be successful as you were once were. It will be like making sandcastles out of mud which is never quite as good as wet sand." I didn't fight these thoughts and honestly I ignored them thinking that it was just a passing thought. Boy was I wrong.
When I got to work, every project was like trying to make sandcastles out of mud instead of wet sand and I got frustrated, ALOT, and at everyone. Thankfully, throughout the day, God pointed out my sins and I was able to, with his help, identify the anger and pride fighting for first place again, confess, repent and look to the cross. During lunch, I took a walk (thankfully it stopped raining) and reviewed my thoughts of the day.
Those thoughts from the morning came up about being successful again and that seems to have been the root of it all. Gratefully, the Holy Spirit pointed out to me "Am I defining success by my own terms or by God's terms?" Ahh..yes..that seemed to have struck a precise blow at my sin. I had been defining success on my own terms and viewing every situation and person through that sinful lens.
While work today was not as productive as others, was it successful in God's eyes? By being submissive to my boss' requests and faithful to complete those requests even if it meant being unsuccessful? By appealing and not being successful at the appeal and following the final decision? By confessing and repenting of a complaining spirit to one of my bosses about the current state of things at work?
I don't know the answers, but I do know these truths from God's word and from other Christian followers who have gone before me:
Are you now learning your own poverty, destitution, and helplessness? and is the blood and righteousness of Jesus more precious and glorious to the eye of your faith? Then praise him for your afflictions; for all these disagreeable dispensations are now, yes, at this moment, working together for your spiritual good. - Octavius Winslow, The Foot of the Cross
But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. 2 He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. - 1 John 2:1-2